Posted January 20, Reviewed by Gary Drevitch. This is the third in a series of posts. Read part 1 and part 2. Now I want to offer some practical strategies, things you can do to keep yourself separate and protected in the face of your partner's anger.
You can exit the space tactfully, with or without words, but if it feels right, you can tell your partner that you need to remove yourself from the conversation —just for now—for your own peace of mind. Speaking up for yourself and establishing your own experience in the face of their anger is important, and a powerful and effective strategy for shifting the anger experience. Speaking up for your own needs in the face of anger is not easy.
Start with baby steps, be patient, and stay the course. You may have forgotten that you can be the agent of change at any moment in your life. One of the beautiful things about being an adult is that you have the power to take care of yourself when someone else is not taking care of you. Use that power wisely. When faced with anger, however, our body often freezes, as part of the fight-flight-freeze fear response. Like a deer in headlights, we remain frozen as the truck hits us head-on.
It goes without saying but I will say it anyway : If for any reason your partner prohibits you from physically removing yourself from their anger, then you need to separate from this person in a more concrete and definitive way, now.
Getting in the habit of creating distance in the face of anger, and actively taking care of what you need, is life-changing. When your partner is caught in their anger, and possibly spewing it at you, focus your attention on a single intention: not biting the hook, not getting engaged in their spinning. If it feels useful, you can also visualize a shield around yourself, made of light, armor, gold, or whatever suits you, and see their anger bouncing off of you.
